I struggle with balancing my external life with my internal
life. I love planning events, activities, and get-togethers. I’m well known for
intense itineraries that start at sunrise and go well past sunset. I love
laughing, storytelling, dancing, adventuring, camping, traveling, and living
life in big, bold, colorful strokes.
This often results in months of consecutive weekends full of
activities. It also means sacrificing a rich internal life to meet the
obligations of my external life. It means I go to happy hour or drive to the
cities instead of spending time reading or hiking with Drew. It means I trade
off an orderly closet for a chaotic space with suitcases never fully empty
between weekend excursions. It means that I don’t prioritize my own fitness and
wellness. Inevitably, it leaves me exhausted, drained, and deflated.
This is a cycle I’ve self-perpetuated since I can remember.
I’ve always been a busy body.
Once, an acquaintance gave me what she thought was a
compliment by saying, “Amanda, you are always flying around like a big ball of
mess but somehow still get everything done.”
I was really hurt by that comment. After all, no one really
wants to be perceived as a “big ball of mess.” The truth is, that description can
be pretty accurate.
I do fly around a million miles an hour.
I do overextend myself.
I do believe in being generous of spirit, but at what cost?
At the last retreat, we were… busy. I logged around 30K
steps per day, practiced yoga several hours per day, rose to see the sunrise,
and hauled paddleboards 4+ miles. On Saturday, I was walking back from Raven
Lake with Bryana and said, “I don’t think I can do this. I’m too tired.” Months
of running around all hit me at once.
By Saturday night, I reached a level of exhaustion that I
haven’t felt for a long time. The same level of exhaustion I’ve felt after
coming home from a funeral, after completing a long race, or after a 10+ mile
hike. In the depths of exhaustion, I see things with new perspective.
On Sunday, I drove home from the retreat totally exhausted
but also fulfilled and satisfied, I had an overwhelming sense of calm and
clarity.
I hardly spoke for a nearly a full 24 hours. I simply
allowed myself to rest and reflect silently. In that silence, I realized the
toll my extroversion can take on both me and on my introverted husband. I made
a commitment to work on my personal wellness this fall. That has meant learning
to say no, setting boundaries for myself, asking others for help, letting go of
control and allowing others to assume responsibility, setting aside time to do
nothing, stopping myself from planning things when an idea strikes, getting
back into the habit of running, drinking more water, consuming less alcohol,
and spending more time in silence.
The retreat at Wolf Ridge genuinely surprised me. I did not
expect to feel so exhausted and simultaneously fulfilled. I did not expect to
walk away with such clarity. I did not expect to have to face my own
shortcomings and insecurities so squarely in the face. It was humbling and grounding.
I’m entering this fall retreat with a few months of practice
under my belt, but I still have a long way to go to achieve the balance I need
between an external and internal life. Heck, I’m still super busy with all the
plans I made BEFORE the last retreat. It’ll take me through the end of October
to get back to a calendar that is beautifully blank.
I am so excited to find out what this next retreat holds for
me. Yoga, when practiced several hours a day, offers healing through intensity.
We stretch our limits, find vulnerability in our discomfort, and achieve new
depths in the process.